Harry's Wand Gets Around
by Kevin3
Summary: Harry's Wand just can't seem to make up its mind on who it belongs to... resulting in a world where Gilderoy Lockhart stops Pomona Sprout from ruining Albus Dumbledore's chances of killing Lord Voldemort. Humor one-shot.


**Harry's Wand Gets Around**

Dumbledore looked around the grave faces of his staff as they listened to Snape's report. Everyone looked paralyzed by fear - and it didn't help that the low voice of Severus was relaying to each of them the confirmation that Voldemort had been reborn; oddly, the headmaster's face almost seemed to be... amused?

"... and the Dark Lord's rage was quite towering when he told us of the wand's connection, how the 'insignificant child of a mudblood mother' somehow managed to turn out to be the owner of his wand's brother."

"I'm sorry," Dumbledore said cheerfully, "but that's not quite true."

Everyone stared at him.

"Albus," McGonagall said slowly, "do you remember how, not 10 minutes ago, you were giving your traditional end-of-year plot exposition to a traumatized Mr. Potter?"

"Indeed, I do."

"And during so," she pressed forward, "you told him that the wand he held was the brother wand of You-Know-Who's."

"Why, yes. I believe I did."

"You _lied_ to him? After everything he just went through?!"

"Harry does indeed hold the wand that is brother to Voldemort's. He simply does not _own_ it."

Everyone stared at the headmaster - who began happily sucking on a lemon drop.

"Would you care to explain?" Snape finally asked.

"Indeed!" Dumbledore replied, looking like he was simply waiting for someone to ask him to tell the story. That was never a good sign with Dumbledore - it usually meant that you were about to lose 10 minutes of your life and earn a splitting headache.

"It all started nearly two years ago, signalling the start of a particularly nomadic period concerning Harry's wand. For you see, two years ago, Harry was attacked."

"By the Basilisk? Or by Tom Riddle" Pomona interrupted.

Dumbledore continued, ignoring the Herbology professor, "A wizard filled with an intent of ill will. A man who, through the use of trickery and deception, managed to get the upper hand on poor Mr. Potter, who with but one flick of a wand would've sent him to an endless chasm of mental nothingness."

"But Harry defeated the Diary - surely You-Know-Who couldn't have owned Harry's wand, Albus!"

"Diary?" Dumbledore replied happily. "Of course not. I refer, of course, to our Defense Professor that year."

"_Lockhart?!_"

Dumbledore nodded, smiling. "After all, Harry was disarmed, helpless, and at the complete mercy of a much more experienced wizard. Defeated as such, Harry's wand could not help but change allegiance to the elder wizard. It is, after all, what happens when a warlock is overpowered by another."

"So... _Lockhart_ owns Harry's wand?"

"Alas, Lockhart was defeated shortly afterwards - the master of trickery and liesbrought down, interestingly enough, by a master stratagem of deception. Gilderoy was conquered by another wizard who didn't even need a weapon to defeat a foe far more experienced and knowledgeable."

"You can't _possibly_ be talking about..."

"I am talking, of course, about a young Ronald Weasley, who cleverly allowed a sabotaged wand to permanently incapacitate a wizard he couldn't defeat through traditional means."

Several people groaned.

"How could the wand not notice this and change its bond to the clear winner of that scuffle?"

"So, _Ron Weasley_ owns Harry's wand?"

"He did indeed, for roughly a year," Dumbledore replied, nodding. "After which time, Ron was waylaid by a hardened wizard on the run from the law."

"Hardened wizard," Snape scoffed, seeing where this was going.

"Sirius Black," McGonagall frowned, continuing the train of logic. "Who was then defeated by Remus Lupin, and then Lupin was..."

"No," Flitwick chimed in, "I think Miss Granger beat Sirius Black, and Lupin disarmed Miss Granger, and then Harry..."

"Wait, I thought..." Sprout started.

Snape cleared his throat loudly.

"Oh, right," Sprout apologized. "You were actually there. What exactly happened Severus?"

"After Black grabbed Weasley, Potter overtook Black. Lupin beat Potter, and then I beat Lupin... before Potter stunned me."

Dumbledore nodded. "Harry's wand was particularly wayward on that night. I daresay I haven't seen a wand in so many hands since Gellert Grindlewald and I were at a..."

Snape quickly interceded. "Putting that exceedingly inappropriate tangent aside, I fail to see the point. Harry Potter owned the wand until the end of his second year, and resumed possession towards the end of his third. Why did you even waste our time telling that bit of the story if it didn't even end up mattering?"

"Of _course_ it mattered," Dumbledore answered in a shocked voice. "Why, if Harry had owned his wand going into his third year, he would've had it taken away by a Dementor who rendered him unconscious aboard the Hogwarts Express."

"Why would that matter?" McGonagall asked, frustrated. "Remus Lupin defeated that dementor not a minute later. So even if that had come to pass, Remus would've simply lost the wand to Severus later that year - it's not as if Lupin was hexed in the interim..."

At this, Sprout let out a tiny nervous 'Eep.' Seeing everyone looking at her, she explained, "Remus had a bit too much punch at our holiday party last year and was getting a bit... _wolfish_. I had to stun him after he pinched my..."

"Wait," Flitwick squeaked, "you're saying that if it wasn't for Lockhart, _Pomona_ would've ended up owning Harry's Wand?"

Everyone fell silent at this.

Dumbledore popped another Lemon Drop into his mouth, merrily savoring the flavor.

"Well?" Flitwick prodded.

"It's pretty good. Tart, but not overly so. The key is for it to still be sweet enough to balance out the palette."

"About Harry's Wand!" McGonagall huffed.

"Harry doesn't currently own a wand."

McGonagall and Flitwick sputtered; Snape came to the rescue. "What happened to the wand after Potter stunned me?"

"Ah, yes. The dementors overpowered him. Unfortunately, I was not able to tell _which_ dementor in particular owned the wand - fortunately, it's rather moot. Harry, obviously enraged by losing ownership of his wand once again, traveled back in time and defeated all the dementors so he could resume ownership. A rather effective use of time-travel."

Dumbledore leaned back, eyeing the bowl of Lemon Drops but deciding against grabbing another. Instead, he stood and limbering up as if he were about to run a race.

McGonagall was putting together the pieces. "So Potter owned his wand through this year... and still did when he grabbed Crouch's portkey."

Snape nodded quickly. "Which meant that Crouch must have earned its allegiance after Potter returned to Hogwarts."

Everyone looked at Albus in shock, making the final connection.

Albus twirled the elder wand, casually saying, "Accio my newest wand."

Sure enough, several seconds later the familiar Holly and Phoenix Core wand slipped through the underside of the door, flying into the headmaster's hand.

Albus began moving to the fireplace, grabbing a handful of floo powder.

"Where on earth are you going, Albus?" McGonagall asked.

"Oh, my dear, that is quite simple. I currently hold two wands. The first is the Elder Wand of ancient lore, which is widely accepted as being the most powerful wand in known history. The second is a wand that can block any curse or hex that Tom Riddle would shoot at me - including, as astounding as it seems, the killing curse. Given such circumstances, I believe I shall do a bit of Dark Wizard killing. I dare say it's long overdue."

And with that, the Headmaster disappeared.

Incidentally, Harry's fifth through seventh years were quite a bit more normal than one would've expected.

* * *

><p>JK looked at the script, frowning. "No, that's stupid," she said to herself. "Wands changing ownership if their owner is stunned or overpowered? Nobody would believe that nonsense - because Dumbledore and Flitwick would probably own half the wands in the school."<p>

She pushed back a few beads of sweat. That had been close - she had almost wrote something exceptionally silly. She giggled to herself. "Can you imagine how bad the end of the series would've been if I tried introducing _that_ as a plot device out of nowhere for no reason, just so Harry would've have to cast a spell that kills Voldemort? I'd probably do something silly like have Draco Malfoy own a wand that's buried beneath the earth, and yet have that buried wand somehow know if someone stunned him from miles away!"


End file.
